I wish

Making a dent in a day
at least that’s the worst
thoughts like these don’t keep fears at bay.
I fixate on the best
I fixate on the worst
Any idle thought or process that crosses my mind stays there
If there were no financial worry
If there were no reflective fear?
If a career was something I had and I felt glad for it?
Would there be any negative processes that would adhere?
I want to believe life could be more
I want to believe and hope that these are my rough twenties
At the end there’ll be some magical tunnel of light
Life will be different and safe
but the world is burning itself slowly and every source doesn’t want to escape
this black-hole of negativity consuming all
Should I tell them? Should I open up?
Is true self independence when I’ll feel ready?
When I feel I’ll never have to rely on them again?
Is that honesty? Is that love?
If I’m holding back because I fear my rejection will hinder future struggles,
What does that say about me? What does that say about them?
If I fear them rejecting me
If I worry about only having to rely on them
Then it can only mean their acceptance would mean little
it would feel fake, same as the others.
Maybe the answer isn’t them or even others
Maybe the answer has to come from me
Maybe I have to be stable for me,maybe I have to be there for me.
Maybe the person who was to say all those words I wish I’d hear
Has to be me
Maybe I cry for these things from others so badly because I don’t give it to myself?
How am I going to right this course?
I have to make myself stable and I have to love myself.
I have to make these curses into gifts in my head.
I wish me typing this out could ingrain itself in my mind.
I wish the words could be the roots of trees, spreading through my parts
Overriding all the dead roots
Fostering their life and blooming.
I wish