Ithink there’s a dark truth hidden in every corner of groups, that despite the attempts at playing friend and bonding there is and will always be one constant truth. I’ve been on my journey for such a relatively short amount of time that it can be hard to say if I’ve even fully adjusted to my new reality. For every three steps I feel myself taking forward the ever-present fact remains that I am alone. Not in a full extent, but in one that is driven by society, I am misunderstood, misinterpreted and yet constantly trying to speak. It’s hard for me to put into words how surrounding this feeling is, how common it occurs, how frustrating, devastating and depressing it remains. The taste never gains novelty, like the bitter taste of burnt food that overwhelms an otherwise perfect dish. For all my talk of being split, it can be so hard to say that I am vocal, even harder to say I’m silent. My words often feel like they have no meaning, that no one is on my side. I get in fights that I always lose. I always take the high-road with people who don’t deserve it. I miss rain, I hate the artificiality of rain in my life. I hate the lack of the comforting smell, the weight of the humidity in the air. Maybe if it rained more I would have the courage to open up, despite my misunderstood nature, I try to be open, to be vocal. I suppose then, what I fear most is one day I won’t. One day I won’t want to talk, one day I won’t want to interact, one day I just won’t have the drive or energy. Perhaps that will be how it will seem, because you will be cut off, unable to hear what I say by choice not a dark abyss of silence. For how long can I feel unappreciated? For how long can I be misunderstood? I have a concept of time so surely the answer is not forever. Yeah, I guess sometimes I wonder why I give you my time. Why I let you hear my voice, or see my mind. Maybe I haven’t given up on you, maybe myself, maybe I should take the hint, how often we fight, how set you are, maybe I’m twice as stubborn. but sometimes
after i talk with you
after i fight with you
the only thing truly on my mind is
you don’t care
who cares
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