Blue Thursday

Dear DiaryI’m sorry I didn’t write last nightDear DiaryI don’t know where to begin.Maybe at the end?I’m sitting here writing this with a song on loop.It’s not Nier but it’s something that calls to me,it calls to me because it’s an emotion I can relate to, one I miss but feel I’ve never known. Such strong alien emotions, if I had auditory hallucinations it’d be blue. a rich creamy blue. I’m lost again, sorry.Everything was fine, I said what I wanted to and was honest, my pizza dough will rise, the sweetest dough in existence.The songs looped again, a very pleasant melody, I wonder if I know the words by heart? I do hope so….it’d feel respectful.I’m having a conversation, the middle of two walls, walls I so often end up between. Is it my nature? My actions? How often do I end up here, again and again. I’m satisfied but high strung, oh so high strung, and I feel like throwing up.Am I learning?Am I growing?I’m so addicted to my past, the past, never letting go.Is it because I remember so little that what wasn’t taken from me is so precious? So valuable? Am I trying too hard? I feel like I’m always here, I hate it here.another loopI wish I wrote faster but frankly, why care about time here, this is for me and always was.I’m heated, frustrated and upset, my hair is wet and I’m trying to make this pizza dough and fuck…..I accidentally put in way too much sugar…..I wonder how this’ll shape up. I said today I’d disconnect, why am I doing this to myself?Today can be good, today can be good, taking the bath was supposed to make things okay. I stayed in there so long, my eyes closed, my other talking to me gently, pulling massive splinters out of my leg. So then why am I getting damaged again here? Did I not relax enough? I feel so tired and so attached.Another loopMaybe it’s just me, but I’m overwhelmed, the numbers big and the concept of it affecting me even more so, maybe it’s time for that bath, a bath would do me good, just the heat of the water on my skin, the weight of my hair. Don’t think about the number, the fears, the distance, you’re safe and have wifi and clothes and food, everything is okay, it’s all okay. Maybe I should submerge, go under, shut off the world, because I crave that most, leaving here, leaving me, leaving it all, just talking to me, other me, whatever to comfort myself with all this weight, I’ll turn every hurt into a tangible concept and one by one we’ll work through them all, with logic and love and no conclusions or assumptions we’ll get rid of every splinter. Everything feels so much better under water.Maybe the songs gotten oldI didn’t connect with Japanese at all today, I felt so frustrated, from step one out of bed I’ve been moody, I snapped at him for interrupting me, I apologized but I snapped none the less. Everyone else told me good job today, but I’ll always be behind them, the worries between us….these unspoken truths and whispers, is she distant from me, why am I so distracted today? Why do I once again attempt to control things, always wanting to iron out the wrinkles. I wish I could focus on this, I wish I didn’t keep failing these kanji, even that Neko book seemed so alien to me.Last one, one last loop.I was grumpy when I woke up, he told me that he came back at 9:30 and had already done x y and z, didn’t wanna argue or say I didn’t nap like he did, do x like him, whatever. Time to wake up, make him breakfast, a nice bagel sandwich, the one he taught me to make. But first he drags me to the couch and shows me this Neko Japanese book, a kids book, but I’m trying to read more, we go over two pages about Mr. Black Cat, I’m weak on the grammar but the vocab is simple minus a few. Learning about a stupid cat kinda helped me not be so hard about the fact I struggle to read a children’s book, never thought I was prideful of reading. Maybe today can be a good day.Song is still just as good.