V

Hey diary, me again, I know it’s been a while, longer for me, but hey what’s perception right? What’s it all matter when I was in my own head anyways. Yknow every low seems to be redifined in it’s own way, a personal hell, a sucker punch that lingers longer than I’d wish, god, such a short song such a short song why can’t I feel anything I’ve been trying all day to feel and honestly every feel feels fake. It doesn’t even punch anymore…..I wish I was like…..her, yknow? She’s so sweet, she’s so stable, she’s so loved and honest. Yet she’s sharp and she plays everyone on it, stupid ditz has everyone under the impression she is that. I want to smoke so bad…..I can’t break that promise, god what am I doing splitting myself like this, dividing myself into pieces, why do I think it’ll make it easier? To chuunibyuu part of myself into some unobtainable demon goddess, like we both don’t suffer in the same way. I’m listening to the pillows, there, I said it. Was that so hard? Trying to scrape every bit of myself off of the songs I use to summon myself, god I loved that show so much, why doesn’t it feel the same? Why is my brother an utter trainwreck, my family rather, what a total clusterfuck yknow? They say he’s not even biologically there, what a disgusting rumor. I just miss things yknow? I miss freedom, i miss being me, I’m cooped up and pissed off, floating on a raft of zero dollars, I wanted breasts this year, this was supposed to be mine? I was gonna MAKE this shit mine, ughhhhhh what a drag. That’s why I’m sick, I’m here yknow? I’m right here, but I’m bot doing my goals outside of art, that’s why I’m regressing. God…….she came up again? Remember that? I probably shouldn’t refer to two different people as she, so the first she is me, a part of me. Sometimes when I’m low, weak, bored I talk to a version of myself, an alpha bitch. Is that weird? I asked my therapist and my friend and it seems like a lot of people do this. But it’s harmful because it means I’m not her? When in reality every day that passes I’m less me and more her, even this is her coping, I swear I hope this is my period. Isn’t it a bummer when your incense goes out? Anyways, back to “her” I’m gonna call her P because fuck it why be totally discrete. I was doing frustrating work on a project and searched Discord for a message only for her profile to pop up, cue thinking about her until even now. I wonder if she thinks about me, but I also know it’s bad to wish things upon others. God where am I gooing these days, where am I, where is that fresh love that used to be there? Why am I still not here…..why…..does adhd get worse in adulthood? I just….i need something, i need something because this is unbearable, please just let the thoughts wash away please I’m so tired of them, I am so tired what did I do to my brain. I need noise, I need it, I need raw existence something to rip me away. I’m gonna get earbuds and just stare at the cieling like I used to, I’m gonna go back 15 years and just be, please