The past few days I’ve been wanting to type up something, anything, last year around this time was pretty bleak for me too, though I didn’t really expect to write this in this state. I’ve had, a rough week and an even rougher day. I hate my mourning periods because it means numbness, I’ll be numb for a week, two, disconnected and completely unattached. before this I was upset, frustrated, even had to admit to my therapist I ideated again. One step forward, two steps back.
Tomie had made a webbed-shelf about two months ago, initially I was concerned because I thought she might not be able to drink her water, occasionally I’d clean up the structure so she never boxed herself in, gave her mealworms more than she needed, I always worry especially because sometimes you can’t directly see the kill. Then one day I see her, this was two weeks ago, and I fucking FREAK out, she molted again! molted again! I couldn’t believe it I mean, I thought she was supposed to do that once a year!
I was so relieved too, it meant she was healthy. I kept doing my usual care after she recovered so she wouldn’t get stressed out. Then today I was going to feed her and she just, it didn’t even look like her, usually spiders are supposed to have a “death curl” but she was so webbed up in herself, genuinely looked like another Spider webbed her up. I still don’t believe it. I got her off of her shelf without disturbing her, putting her on her eco-earth but…..she didn’t even twitch.
I feel like a bad owner, I feel like I SHOULD be more sad, I feel like I should hurt more, instead of this heavy ever-present numbness. It’s not even cold, it just IS….
I’m frankly just, so frustrated, weeks I’ve spent, hell months now being a guinea pig for a system I don’t even like (the opposition sucks too by the by, fuck your optics, be a person not a dogma), I finished my first art lesson reviews, even remedials and now have to sit on my ass for two weeks drawing anything that isn’t lessons. I got hit with a wombo combo double edged hammer after I had to expose myself in every way to medical staff only to then draw one of my most hated drawings the next day.
I still haven’t recovered, I’m still pissed and doubtful and sorrowful and just outright fucking disgusted. I’m so bothered and hung up on memories, AGAIN! Memories living totally rent free in my head, knowing full well I’m supposed to control them, not the other way around. I re-did the drawing today, not fully but most of the line art….I don’t hate it. I hope Tomie enjoyed her shelf, even if it did kill her (or me not breaking it down more so she didn’t dehydrate) it was an impressive structure. Genuinely impressive. Maybe she knew? If tarantulas can feel pain I hope it didn’t hurt. She was a good killer.
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