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There was a draft that I had started when I fully intended on writing about a week ago.That draft was only a sentence which to me indicates that the feeling I had never overcame the burden of the act of writing. This feeling is not unique to typing, often times I feel this to an…

Consider this an interlude I made a solid breakthrough. Finally, a long time coming. The last few weeks I’ve been on an alternate path. Expressing myself in the tangible, focusing on something that wasn’t my focus. I reached my maximum capacity for projects, felt that challenging spark and overcame. A real win. A statement that…

With her last breath she lifted the body up onto the bleached rocks. Her scarred ghost-white body making a light smack as it hit the sand. She had known that it was going on for too long, that the wounds were lethal. Even still, she wanted it to end this way, she wanted her last…

Hey Diary,Sorry this entry’s dour, so shortly after the last one too.Honestly, it’s just that I’m so, down, and up, and up.Seems like even my gas lasts only a few days to just stay in one version of myself, kinda can’t help but think I’m falling apart at the seams. I wish I could get…

Hi diary, guess it’s about that time yeah? I’ve been told I should write this week, to take time to do something I want. It’s all falling apart, it all feels fucked and I’m so frustrated, I’m so angry, I’m so irritable the more I speak the less I feel the rawness and it just…

Hey Diary,Right now you’re just about the only person I want to talk about this with but man I’m really fucking going through it, everything should be fine but it’s not and I can’t help but be angry for it. I have no release, I feel angry, I have unresolved emotions and want to lash…

Hi Diary,Suppose I’m probably overdue.I usually was doing pretty good at being on-track, once a month vents here kinda made sense, actually I think I was at my best when it was once every two weeks. It’s been cold lately. Really cold. This is probably the coldest I’ve ever felt living here. While I do…

Hi Diary,Frankly, I just don’t know where I want to go with this writing today. Usually I don’t, I just know that you’re kind of my like….you’re the place I go when everything is fucked or everything is okay. I’m not okay diary. I’m really really not, It’s all a brain stew of problems and…

Sometimes life plays funny tricks on us huh? This one’s a long-time coming.Hello Diary! It’s been a while yeah? Two months, and a lots happened.Tomie, my spider? Not exactly dead, but you know that. I wasn’t sure, when I saw the molt, her container was empty, I was really depressed, honestly, the whole week was…

The past few days I’ve been wanting to type up something, anything, last year around this time was pretty bleak for me too, though I didn’t really expect to write this in this state. I’ve had, a rough week and an even rougher day. I hate my mourning periods because it means numbness, I’ll be…

Heyhey Diary,Lately I’ve been kinda playing classroom frog in my spare time, seems like 1/4th of my week is just therapy or dissection. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t half stressful, sometimes it feels like I have to weigh authenticity with saving face, I’m only really ever good at pretending when it’s for…

Hi Diary, Been about almost two weeks huh? Hard to believe, I got caught up in some major whirlwinds and kinda let the diary slip, I’ve been working on art, truthfully I feel off balance on progress. I feel like I’ve kinda shelled myself off emotionally, too much action, too much mental density. I’ve been…

Hi Diary,I wish I could say this time I’m coming to you would be a happy one but I’m crashing hard and honestly it’s my fault. Japanese is still progressing, I’m doing art even though I can’t say I’m liking any of it, even the pose studies I thought were decent last week are just…

Heyhey Diary, I was spending so much time busy on a dopamine rush that now that I’m crashing I think it’s appropriate to talk to you. Lately my daydreams have been a lot more vivid, feels like my spirals are a lot easier to control too, I catch myself all the time. I catch myself…

Hi Diary,It’s been 12 days, but honestly I wanted to write to you about two ago. Unfortunately, each time I sat down my page stayed blank, or I could barely push myself to do this. Today however, is special, today is another one of those “my days”, but I’m getting ahead of myself not that…

Hi Diary,it’s been, what, a week? Time goes slower now, or maybe a bit faster.I wanted to tell you about my dreams, even if it hurts knowing that I had them. Dreams are weird and wonderful, to me a dream is a reflection of what someone’s thinking about, their fears, their flaws. I’d be stupid…

I had a series of loosely interspersed dreams all fixating on a group of hackers that were taking down evil corporations, details are kinda rough but when things got weird was when one of the hackers entered a VRChat-esque game where a kid with a lain avatar was running away from a killer. Obviously this…

Hi Diary Been a while yeah? Honestly lately it seems like I start writing to you and then halfway through I get stuck and can’t quite finish it. I’m getting worse but that’s part of the rehab. At least that’s what I tell myself, obviously I can’t hold these feelings for months. I still am…

Heyhey Diary, It’s nice to speak with you again, after all so much went down since, I nuked things and set things back in a reasonable place, well I say reasonable because I of course had to figure out what was going on within me, I felt those same feelings well up again, those same…

Hi Diary, I wish I could say that the post I had in mind matches the one that I’m typing now but ultimately, unfortunately, it does not. I had it in mind a few days ago I would hop on here, spilling a happy diatribe, do my best and move on. Maybe I need my…

Hey Diary, been a while since I said hi. Sure I mean it’s only been a few days but it feels like those were a month in my head. I broke down again, you know why. Sometimes it feels like I’m having to compete against the world, even the act of finding help becomes a…

Hey Diary, let’s talk, you and me. Frankly we both know what’s coming and obviously this is the DMS that we come back to, we try things the normal way, find it totally unbearable and go back to our way. Each time progress is made, each time a new chapter and ultimately things only turn…

Hey Diary, it’s so funny yesterday it felt like the words were all flowing really well, I guess listening to the pillows always puts me in a big writing mood, I think Kinokoteikoku might still but honestly maybe that’s passed, doubtful ultimately. Isn’t it funny how life is this thing where sometimes you go back…

Flowing riverToo much water to bearLack of OxygenA thousand sliversStory covered, againPoignant wordsMarred by sandSediment and gritTar and vinesDraw what you seeNot what you thinkPulling blanksCrushing white capsulesWeighing point oh fourTedious and backbreakingLifetime choreRepeat every 10 daysDo it some moreRemoval of the ritualRemoval of anotherMy sibling never be an uncleDamage has already been doneHelpful source…

Awar was going on and we were checking the backs of trucks for misconfigured equipment, wifi antennas with bad ips and ports. I remember fireworks too. Nintendo started putting intrusive Ads in video games, much to many gamers ire, eventually Microsoft put in ads of its own, mocking Mario, mocking prices, etc. There was something…

Ultimately the irony doesn’t escape me. I think now is the point when I’ve felt like I’m able to control things more. For such a long time I was tied to the notions that I reacted to stimuli, rather than control my self. I think I did this because of fear and also because I…

Hey Diary, seems like lately I’m back in the swing of writing in you again, honestly maybe inwards the only way to go right now because it feels like everyone left me. Every conversation goes no where, the words don’t process or people just play games with me. I’m not really sure what I did,…

Hey Diary, it’s me again. If I’m writing here then I guess it means I bottomed out, I do this sometimes, I forget where I am but….honestly right now I’m feeling I lost everyone, none of these connections feel rich or healthy and my paranoia is pulling me to places I don’t like to return…

Hey diary, me again, I know it’s been a while, longer for me, but hey what’s perception right? What’s it all matter when I was in my own head anyways. Yknow every low seems to be redifined in it’s own way, a personal hell, a sucker punch that lingers longer than I’d wish, god, such…

Dear Diary, Things have been much more….chaotic lately. Old friends contacted, ex-therapists called, nights where I scream ideations out loud, I think at one point I was disengaging my depression groove, now all I want is a pill that will kill who I am and stop me from caring. I hate my memories, which is…

She’s got this stimpiness, it’s in her bones, and when she looks at it she can’t see her. She never sees her yknow? Never, only glimpses true but they a fragments always always colored by the stimpiness. The eyes just can’t be kind they can’t remove themselves from the stimpiness. The words are terrible, more…

Dear Diary I feel so overwhelmed right now. It feels as though every single thing is hitting me at once. I can’t talk about it I can barely draw it I’m extremely agitated and hard to the world. Diary why do people suck so much? Why do they always do the same things? Why do…

The times that I’m low aren’t a product of me realizing I’ve made a mistake. So often I see suicide being commented on by people who aren’t my kind saying my kind “wakes up”, that they realize they made a mistake and can’t undo it, that their reality is fixed and they’re a freak being…

I’m sleepless in bed. What I’m thinking about is everything, yet also nothing. The flip flooping people do, the flip flopping I do. I’m thinking of Paura Palmer and the bitter exes of lifetime engagements. I wonder if they think about me? I wonder if it’s healthy, me always thinking of others. “Am I like…

Hi dear diary, it’s been a while so I’m here because the things on my mind are special and I want them to come out once again. I had another breakdown, a real bad one and now that I’m out of it I can only feel the desire to express. I sobbed painfully, heartbroken because…

Dear DiaryI’m sorry I didn’t write last nightDear DiaryI don’t know where to begin.Maybe at the end?I’m sitting here writing this with a song on loop.It’s not Nier but it’s something that calls to me,it calls to me because it’s an emotion I can relate to, one I miss but feel I’ve never known. Such…

ba bump ba bump 365 days in a year ba bump ba bump through every sigh and tear ba bump ba bump when I’m wrought with fear ba bump ba bump it is always here ba bump ba bump never giving up ba bump ba bump even when I erupt ba bump ka thump till…

I’m having a hard time believing myself, I’m having a hard time believing in you, I’m having a hard time being happy and I’m having a hard time living life. I’m fully convinced this life is my hell and all I have to do is change my ways and succeed in more ways than financial…

Truthfully today is still a bleak day despite all I’ve done.I cooked two meals, I made a special hide for my bunny, I even cleaned up my home.Yet this under-cropping dark side of me is still here making me feel like I should just go. I’m hurt, hurt that friends didn’t value me enough to…

There are only so many words that can come to mind at this point in my life. But only temporarily, that’s my anti-strife. I am compelled to exorcise the demons that once again prevent me from sleeping, the unfulfilled fears, the non-regulated negative fantasies that I hold with all my heart. For the last few…

Turbulent times ahead. Suddenly sharply so many simple tasks to succeed in. I’m interested in interacting with inconceivable challenges. Especially examining every external effort I expect excruciating difficulty with. Challenges constantly change and create character. If I intend to create an impact. Lots lack the levity and lefthandedness to let their limits lose their power.…

Been a while since an impulse has left me smitten. Developed a new strategy based on bad habits, procedure has made me more rabid. I don’t really know or understand what I’m feeling right now, the more words I expel the more out of this world I bow. Maybe it’s numbness, maybe isolation taking root…

Ithink there’s a dark truth hidden in every corner of groups, that despite the attempts at playing friend and bonding there is and will always be one constant truth. I’ve been on my journey for such a relatively short amount of time that it can be hard to say if I’ve even fully adjusted to…

The following is a collection of some works I never published, I know I talk about writing from raw emotion but these posts were written very much in the middle of arguments or breakdowns. I hope that in them you can see a bit of yourself and maybe come up with a better way to…

I’m on the bedOpening up woundsPulling out rocksCreating a monsoonBlack streaks down my fleshRunning longMy lungs are emptyGasping hardMy words are howlsThe pain cuts deepExposing hurtsShearing sheepI want to curlInto a ballLeave this behind meAct of fallAlien sensationWarm embraceHanding me tissuesBlowing my faceBalls of paperInside a bagMy outburst are nastyNo movie magic hadAt any momentCould…

Chapter 1: Hair care Hair care is the weirdest most semi-complex thing like…ever Most guides for women or even mtfs don’t cover it, maybe it’s because most women know what men don’t. Hairs, like skin, have pores. These pores expand and contract with temperature change, specifically water temperature. But how does this benefit you? Why should you care? Well…

Chapter 2: From abominable to adorable!Shaving, is way simpler than hair care, the problem however is that all the guides seem to just pretend guys don’t have insane body hair! Frankly, this is just unrealistic and can actually cause unlucky femboys and aspiring girls to damage their skin! No good if you ask me! A…

Amirror stares blankly at eyes lacking sleep. Compelled by it’s own demise,bones show through the creatures tight skin, growing tighter by the day. Black holes surround the empty iris, their reflection showing hurt and wanting, cast between a silent film and physical soliloquy. Count to three and breath, exhale nails and self-made glass. No one looks, no one asks. Call…

As I progress in life, I find myself reflecting on the various flaws I’ve always exhibited.This weird fixation I have on past memories, trying to fix things, bad moods causing restlessness.In the moment it seems normal but as I look back it’s obvious how much of an issue it is.It’s like there’s an open wound…

Null on the forced resignation of Stallman from the Open Source honorary boards.Cropped from the stream titled “Complacency” I find myself in a weird spot where anywhere I want to talk about something, isn’t the right place to do so. For the past almost 6 months I’ve enjoyed the content of and supported financially the…

Leg wounds shrink away, much like the fogs that used to rule my day. As the self inflicted claw marks leave behind their existence for clean pale flesh. My mind is a flood, a torrent of angry wind and often times these feelings make me bend. For every ounce of hurt, two of blame. I…

Each strand under each limb. Close my eyes. Sing me a memorable hymn. Drag me across, jagged sand. Above a mountain, wishing for wetlands. Whisper secrets in my warm ears. Feed my logic, kill my fears. Hold me caress me, pull me back. Treat me like a rabbit and reality, a hat. Keep me sober,…

Forever fastidious and flowing,that’s how I’d like to be.Perhaps frequently I’d like to feel,flying among others somehow never faltering.For as often as I can dream, I am compelled.Compelled to wish for fleeting thoughts,the first steps often always being so shaky.Folklore finally sinking in.For as much as I can read, meaning never found,I can only fixate…

As the bitter winds bite my flesh, soft strings clip against my hard heart. Oh how these days seem so bleak, always tangentially familiar. Closer than family, more common than friends foreboding and sharp. Comforting and fuzzy. Often times so much bigger than myself, dwarfing all I have and want. I feel held hostage by…

My shadow imprints the concrete every day,in every month, with any weather, brightest in May.There’s a noise in my head, a whispering clutching everything I am,a sense of awareness, a sharp knife that can never go dull.When I awoke and saw what I would never do I ran,my breath feels elevated, the world seems small…

Here I lie on my bed, practically grinning ear to ear. Perhaps it’s numbness, a sensation I’ve missed for so long, when the racing and roaring thoughts slow to a crawl and so many of them feel like nothing. Noise is a comfort, the light ringing of the ambiance of a bedroom. Anxiety to anxiety,…

These haunting words reach out to me, the droning string being all I have taking me out of this realm of pain and extreme discomfort. All is internal now, my exposed armor weakens by the day. My core ungaurded. These words that float out of magnetic coils are alien to me, their meaning lost but…

Compiling compost. Stacking the children of the woods. A chore ending with a memory I like the most. Breath in the air, runny noses, tightened hoods. A season of change, marshmallows to roast. Blood picking fights, swarms for goods. Spiked eggnog and dubious cider for toasts. Sweet dreams for rough days. Tart ones for the…

Making a dent in a dayat least that’s the worstthoughts like these don’t keep fears at bay.I fixate on the bestI fixate on the worstAny idle thought or process that crosses my mind stays thereIf there were no financial worryIf there were no reflective fear?If a career was something I had and I felt glad…

And here I am, the difference between the ideal and real me waning every day. The costume and the being slowly growing greyer, not a dreamer but a doer, someone actually putting forth the effort. My flaws becoming open but also gifts. My curses, my tools. The question no longer whether I’d be anything, but…

Cold carpet, warm embrace. Pillow pressed harshly against my face. Paranoid the same spike on awareness. Only makes me hate this place. Desire to trust, desire to love. Therapy not supplying preparedness. Lots of ideation, lack of a desire to eat, distancing myself in case I can’t get a hug. Brooding over nothing, punishing myself,…

Two defining traits wound themselves tightly across every drop of rain that formed a day. Some days bright, others dark. Fingers point to circumstance, DNA, chemicals. Every breakdown, a new finger to point. Therapy over USB, connecting trauma from you to me. An ear that hears too much, preventing what I need to be. Scraping…

I’m creating a new world One that I hope you’ll enjoy Flexing creative muscles New mindsets to employ Trying to stay positive Extendng my social reach Removing every leech Maybe I’m glorifying a detox binge but I haven’t felt this good in years Doing all that I desired Moving all my gears I hope you’ll…

I’m thinking about death. I’m thinking about paper trails. I’m thinking about blind typing. When I go would there be an investigation? Would my S.O. follow clues? Watch every blu-ray left behind? Chase what little social media I had? Would he ask friends about me? Interact and learn? Would he try to find my ghost in my past? Try to grasp every ounce of my…

I’m happy my format is gone I’m happy hyperlinks are broken things are better then ever they took the media too i’m really really progressing even my avi is gone i’m proud of myself i don’t think anyone reads this I’m just so much better than i’d ever have hoped thanks for making the Internets grave you scumbags April 29th, 2019 11:05pm

Trapped in a bubble Floating on the surface Tensions waning Crashing as I lie You criticize me Advertise me Gave me pockets of lies Come inside Sit down and chat Take back everything you lack Vent your frustrations Adorations I’m begging you to take it back Push lead through the back I’m asking I’m pleading No more pain No more guilt Bad memory quilts Detoriate Rot Lie me in the mahogony cot I swear I’m good to…

They went to delve inside the depths of the astrological cave searching for hidden treasures, setting off traps, being brave.Foraging for fire, captivated by their discovery, manufactured high rise buildings to catalyze their recovery. Communication was stiff, needed to be improved, wired their ears to walls, then came monsoons.So another improvement, walls on the go, carried…

Every day after school, door slam for an entry on an exit. Left the whole world behind, entered a new one unaffected. Right with the other side not alone, accomplished objective. Every single day, hour after hour. Daydream of each other, even in the shower. Meds made appetite off-kilter, but you kept my life perfect through a filter. Never a day alone, never a day depressed. Took a tech…

Your panic attacks mean nothing. That’s what they show you, as their actions reverberate through your skull. Your depression means nothing, as the film grain is applied to the things you call memories, everything’s fuzzy and you feel so alone. Even though you have to share a home. I’m not a fan of this new nature we made…

Ithink it’s that time again when i can feel the pressure behind my windows I think I’ve got industrial grade sealant because whenever I get the point where the pressure builds only a few drops stream down I want them to shoot out and flood the sheets but they never do. Maybe my valve’s broken Maybe I need to hire a plumber to…

Ilike having this place to speak my mind, to get all the negative thoughts out of my head. I often feel less successful than my peers and I constantly feel like I’m sizing myself up against others. I hate how often I reflect on times in my life and am consistently disappointed and sickened by my actions.…

Thinking about this nightmare, with my dad in a room. Thinking about when he said to me “I gave up so much just for you” Thinking about the solemn rejection on his face Thinking about what I said. Thinking about the truths I released, that’d make him wish I were dead. I’m playing a game with a tutorial that states…

We all have nicotine nightmares,many scare off the hares,they’re soft noses twitch at every scream,but they’re just animals so they don’t know what they mean.How callous are we when we’re awake? When the only time we’re weak is when we dream of being eaten by snakes? My philosophy is that there is none, fighting it…

How did this all start when does this story begin when did I notice that the cycles applied to friends? We live in this wheel where every artist says it’s different and Dylan said there was too much, I found that to be repugnant. They pour their heart and soul to form these pieces saying this generation is the one to…

It doesn’t feel right, even my panic attacks feel unfulfilling now, and what kills me is I see it, and I can’t do anything but wait and wonder when it will happen when this all reaches it’s peak. I wanna rebel, and fuck this shit up, break the chain but I know what happens when you…