I’m having a hard time

I’m having a hard time believing myself, I’m having a hard time believing in you, I’m having a hard time being happy and I’m having a hard time living life. I’m fully convinced this life is my hell and all I have to do is change my ways and succeed in more ways than financial to be okay. but lifes so hard, the days I’m down everyone else is okay, the days I’m happy everyone else is low. It feels like my demons hop from person to person, but I keep my reality in check by saying it’s just a sad coincidence, I’m stupid and raw. I’m having a hard time getting over the fact I miss someone and I miss them so badly, so badly my mind screams at me that one day I may miss them forever, I hate it. I hate my stupid brain and it’s parroting, I hate my fucking brain and it’s damage I hate it here I hated it there I’m unsatisfiable because whereever I go it’s the same scummy patterns lurching into view. I hate my snappiness, I hate how it overrides me, I wanna destroy everything so badly, I want to break shit and dissapear forever I want to kill it all so all the guilt would fucking leave. I’m so tired of feeling hurt, biting and then aching from my own venom. I can be so low and morose and then I look up from my ipad and see my bunny, happily in front of a fan, and I wonder how bad of a mom I’m being, if I’m giving enough, if I’m truly loving. It all eats me alive, every day, every person, every animal. Am I being selfish if I open up to others? Am I being sheltered by apologizing or feeling the need to for being a bother? What is acceptable? Do both parties agree to themselves what’s healthy? I doubt there’s a rubric. I think I cried an okay amount…..but I truly miss those thigh shaking, chest quaking, air gulping sobs and moans. Anything else isn’t good enough….